Hold Me Harder Read online

“Not the specifics, no. He told me the idea in more general terms.”

  Ryan pressed a kiss into her palm and closed her fingers over it. “Nothing would make me happier than to try again, Nat, but I have to be truthful. I know too much now. I can’t go back to vanilla.”

  “I understand.” Her insides churned. She owed him full disclosure, too. “Javier has more in mind for the three of us than mentoring.”

  Ryan’s gaze sharpened. “Does he?”

  Natalie nodded. “I’ll admit, my interest is piqued. I’m just not sure how I feel about it as a long-term arrangement.”

  “Intriguing. I suppose I’ll listen to him.” He sat in silent contemplation a moment, and Natalie didn’t intrude. Finally he said, “I won’t try to influence your decision, Nat, but I gotta say, I’m having trouble understanding your fear of your submissive side.” He cupped her face and ran a gentle thumb across her cheek. “It’s fucking beautiful on you.”

  Without another word, he stood, spearing his hands into his pockets, and ambled away.

  Natalie watched him go, her heart simultaneously swelling and breaking into tiny bits. How could she love two men? Want to submit to both? But she did, that much was undeniable.

  Natalie returned to her room and scanned the agenda for the afternoon’s entertainment—a trail ride she wouldn’t be taking. Not after her morning’s activities. She contemplated the spa trip to Sandpoint, but the call of an afternoon in blissful isolation made her happier. What she didn’t want to do was think about Javier, Ryan, and her. Just for a while. She could take to the woods, or hole up in her room. Or both. Nothing wrong with both. Room first, woods later. She made a quick call to the front desk, asking them to cancel her spa appointment, then stretched out on her bed, and fell immediately back to sleep.

  Only the arrival of housekeeping kept her from spending the entire day under the heap of warm blankets. It was three o’clock when they woke her. She took her laptop and left the room to the two women, in search of a pick-me-up. She’d need one if she was going to make it through the night’s festivities.

  Javier always provided fresh coffee in the lobby for his guests. Filling a paper cup, Natalie took it outside, where a sunny spot and a lounge chair were calling her name. She woke her phone, meaning to clean up her inbox, and maybe poke her nose in her social media accounts, but the birds and the warm breeze overtook her. With her phone in her lap, and the half-drunk coffee on the ground below her, she closed her eyes and absorbed the heat of the day in half consciousness.

  Rob woke her this time, stomping up in his boots and hat, a length of rein in his hand. “You missed the ride,” he said.

  “I’ve ridden around this ranch plenty of times,” Natalie replied, then clamped her lips together. She’d never confided in her siblings about her years-long relationship with Javier. “What’s with the rein?”

  Rob lifted his hand as if he’d forgotten it was there. “Oh, just…doing some repair.”

  Natalie raised her brows. “You do know there are people here to do that.” When Rob’s only response was to shift his feet, she shoved herself out of the chaise. “You’re so weird. Get a horse, would you?”

  “Working on it.”

  She strolled away, back to her room to get ready for the evening’s activity, martinis at sunset on the rocky promontory overlooking the lake, then back to the ranch for a barbeque. At least it was casual.

  After a shower and a change of clothes, Natalie met up with the others out front. Javier stood at the head of a line of horses while the ranch hands went around adjusting saddles and bridles as, one by one, the bridal party was hoisted on horseback.

  “You’re kidding, right?” Natalie muttered to him. “No one’s going to be able to ride down after martinis.”

  Javier glanced at her. “You don’t think I’d risk my horses, do you?”

  “Oh, of course. Your horses, not your guests.” Natalie smiled and gestured to the flurry of activity. “What’s this, then?”

  “You ride up, we bring you down in the wagons.”

  “Great,” Natalie said, grimacing. “That oughta be comfy.”

  “I’ll make sure there’s a special cushion for you. Is your bottom still tender?” he said, giving her a stealthy pat on the ass.

  Natalie turned to face him, but he was scanning conspicuously over her head, examining the progress down the line. “Arrogant man,” she said.

  He didn’t reply, but Natalie didn’t miss the twitch of his lips.

  Javier boosted Natalie onto one of the last horses, then jerked his chin at the lead rider, staying behind as he sent his guides to lead the party up the hillside. When they arrived at the overlook, everyone was predictably wowed by the view, but Natalie was more interested in the improvements. Javier had installed a metal barrier fence along the edge, suggesting he made more public use of the area than he used to. He’d taken her—in every sense of the word—up here more than once.

  After giving the guests the lay of the land, pointing out the outhouses, and warning people to stay on the rocky clearing, most of the ranch workers led the stock down. One stayed behind as combination chaperone and bartender, serving them out of a portable bar stocked with premixed martinis and all the condiments.

  As the party roared to life, Natalie strolled among the guests, slowly circling her way toward the tree line, where granite gave way to soil. Her memories, and her desires, intruded, brought to life by the crunch of pine straw underfoot and the smell of resin rising on warm air.

  Javier had shown her every inch of the ranch. They’d had sex in meadows and rocky pools of streams, she’d been tied to trees, knelt at Javier’s feet in the snow, and been denied orgasms while riding with him on horseback. They had spent the night under the stars up here on the overlook, where he made creative use of pine needles, pine cones, and other natural implements of sensual torture. Here at the ranch, she’d felt feral and untethered and glorious. Powerful in her own way.

  She ran her fingers along the trunk of a stunted pine and they came away sticky. “Dammit,” she said, rubbing her fingertips with her thumb.

  “Problem?” a familiar voice asked.

  A feeling of pleasant surrender washed over her as she looked up at Ryan. “A sticky one,” she said. “Har-har.”

  He took possession of her hand and examined her trouble. “Chloe’s wondering where you wandered off to.”

  “She doesn’t know I’ve spent a lot of time here.” Natalie looked out toward the sunset reflecting off the water through the trees. “I needed a minute to wrestle with the memories.”

  “You and he were together a long time. I’m jealous.”

  “You didn’t seem very jealous. Earlier.”

  “You’re right. That was more arousing than I expected it to be. This is the other kind of jealousy.” He dug a handkerchief out of his pocket. “The kind where he’s had something I wanted.”

  “Oh.” Natalie looked up at him but what more could she say?

  “Anyway, here.” Spreading her fingers, Ryan poured his martini on them, careful to keep the mess clear of them both. Then he did his best to wipe off the pitch.

  “Huh,” she said, feeling around where the stickiness had been “That kind of worked.”

  “Three kinds of booze in one drink makes for a good solvent.”

  “Apparently. Can’t be great on the stomach lining. Thank you. I’m glad you’re so old-fashioned you still carry a hanky, even though it’s gross.”

  “From what I can tell, you have a thing for old-fashioned.”

  Natalie didn’t know quite how to respond to that, either.

  They both stood there, unsure of each other. Ryan skimmed his fingers through his hair. “I’m glad you’re at least willing to talk to me, even if it’s awkward. I wasn’t sure you would.”

  “I know. I owe you—”

  He shook his head. “Not now. Just…let me enjoy my relief.”

  When she nodded, he pushed a wayward strand of hair back from her fac
e. Then his lips were against her skin, in that soft spot in front of her ear. A gentle kiss, almost chaste, but not. She shivered. God, she wanted more, so much more, but she just stood there, paralyzed as a frightened animal, holding her breath so as not to give herself away.

  “Don’t worry,” he said softly. “Even though I want you on your knees so badly I ache, my promise this morning still applies. I won’t push you.”

  He stepped back, and after examining her a moment longer, left her standing alone.

  “But what if I want you to,” Natalie whispered as she watched him hike the short way back to the overlook. At the last minute, he stopped, turned his head, and crooked a finger at her. She didn’t hesitate. She followed him back to the party.

  As he said he would, Ryan maintained a respectful distance all evening, except for small, incidental-seeming touches—the brush of his fingers on the stem of her martini glass, his palm on her hip as he passed behind her through conversational groups. He managed to be both circumspect and achingly tempting. Finally, as the sun went down in a blaze of beautiful colors, two of the ranch hands returned with a wagon pulled by two draft horses to carry the martini-fueled group downhill through the last of the twilight. When Ryan squeezed in next to her for the ride, her pleasure almost overwhelmed her discretion.

  Call her contrary, greedy, even, but beyond all good sense, she wanted her men back in her life. Both of them.

  The wagon required a more winding route down the hill, and they jounced along like pioneers, with half the guys snoring and most of the women complaining. Bitterly.

  “Give it a rest, Chloe,” Natalie said. “If you were on horseback, you’d be complaining your manicure would be ruined.”

  “A manicure is totally different,” Chloe said. “Massages, Nat. Massages were had. And now I have more kinks in my back than I did when I woke up this morning!”

  “Her kinks got nothin’ on yours,” Ryan muttered into Natalie’s ear, earning an elbow to the ribs and a sidelong glare. She caught the flash of his teeth as he grinned.

  Chloe glanced from Natalie to Ryan and back again, with a speculative squint. “You didn’t say your back hurt, Nat. You should have come with us.”

  “My back is fine. I had other things to do today.” She twitched when Ryan bumped her with his elbow.

  “Bleh. You work too much,” Chloe said and flopped against a sleeping Dave. “You need to relax more.” Her head lolled on his chest with every sway of the wagon, the ride finally lulling almost everyone into a stupor.

  “Yeah, Natalie. Let me help you relax,” Ryan whispered, his breath warm against her ear. “Know what I’m imagining right now? You in those fuck-me panties. They were the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen you wear. A luscious cage for your ass.”

  “You might see them up close. Someday,” Natalie said, his description making her smile.

  He took her bottom lip between his, tugged and licked, his kiss turning up the heat in the cooling night air. “Did you know a male horse sticks his nose right against the mare’s backside when she’s in heat?”

  “What?” she said with a confused laugh.

  “I watched it today when I went back to talk to your cowboy. The stallion stuck his nose right up under her tail.”

  “Ryan.” Natalie laid her fingers over his lips.

  He licked them and she drew her hand away. “His head went all tilt-a-whirl, like the smell gave him an instant high. And then he let out this frustrated groan.”

  “Oh God, please don’t imitate it,” Natalie whispered.

  His low laugh rumbled through her. “I couldn’t do it justice. And as you know, I’m more of a snarler.” He bared his teeth and skimmed his hand up her ribs, his thumb brushing across her breast, his touch sizzling through her veins.

  He wove his fingers through her hair, and his lips grazed her cheek, lingering on the same spot in front of her ear as earlier. The one that made tiny waves ripple under her skin. “I’m going to do it, Nat. I’m going to stick my face between your legs and breathe you in until I’m high. And then I’m going to tie you over a table, and I’m going to take you like that stallion did the mare, until I can’t fucking stand up anymore.”

  Craving oozed through her, made her feel thick and slow everywhere. Her head dropped against his, and she brushed her nose along his jaw. There was no middle ground left between them now that he knew. There was only yes or no.

  “Will you want me quiet and docile as a mare?” Natalie asked.

  His fingers tensed on her scalp. “Maybe. Maybe sometimes I’ll want you begging and writhing. The louder the better.”

  The throb between her legs was sharp and instant. Natalie clamped her lips to smother her moan, but Dave gave a suspicious flinch and grumbled, “For fuck’s sake” under his breath, implying she failed miserably.

  Ryan looked at her, his smile sultry. “If we were alone I’d take care of that for you,” he said, adding a shrug as if to say, alas. He drew his tongue across the seam of her lips, then settled back against the side of the wagon, folded his arms across his chest, and closed his eyes, looking deceptively like an innocent man.

  With a shake of her head, Natalie leaned against his shoulder to watch the stars through the bobbing pine branches, and let the rhythmic clop of hooves hypnotize her as they descended the trail. It wasn’t until the lodge came into view that the full impact of what Ryan had said about the stallion hit her like a knock to the head.

  He’d been in the breeding shed. With Javier. Which meant they had talked, which meant Ryan now probably knew more about what Javier had in mind than she did.

  Her heart raced with a terrible mix of anticipation and trepidation. If she wanted to take Javier up on his idea, it would have to be now or never. A fact brought home when the wagon driver handed her a note as he helped her down. Another summons, this time to one of the cabins.

  The wedding party rallied for dinner—barbeque and burgers around the fire pit—but Natalie sat quiet, lost in her thoughts. Ryan maintained a solid presence by her side, and Dave and Chloe kept looking at her as if to say, about time, but the friendly gathering only made Natalie feel more and more the outsider. Most of the conversation revolved around jobs, condos, and the Seattle bar scene, while Natalie was busy contemplating the pros and cons of returning to submission, engaging in a ménage, and the intense sexual thrill she experienced knowing her intimacies were being observed.

  A niggling sense of immorality had her nibbling her thumbnail as the realities descended on her like a weighted blanket. She, of all people, worried about old-fashioned morals. Kind of a joke, but there it was. One voice in her head accused her of shamelessly wanting her cake and eating it, too. Another worried about getting outed somehow. Deep down she knew what she, Javier, and Ryan might engage in wasn’t wrong, not if they were all in accord. Her heart wanted it. “I think,” she murmured.

  If only she could get her head out of the way.

  When the tequila started making the rounds, Natalie declined, sticking with the Spanish Tempranillo, but the wine darkened her thoughts even more, let the worries and what-ifs turn from a trickle she could reason herself out of, to a cascade. She stared at Chloe, her ease with Dave, the small touches she didn’t have to hide. Natalie wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to have that, to commit to one person and know she’d made the perfect choice. To do so, she would have to choose one man over the other. One would always have to represent her public self, the other she could never acknowledge, except in private. She would be living a public lie.

  Unless the worst happened, and her private life became public. She’d be a pariah at work, a job she loved and was good at. And her friends… God, what would they think? Natalie didn’t even want to contemplate it, or how her parents would react. She felt herself shrinking in her seat.

  She knew other people maintained polyamorous relationships, but why would she invite such complications? Three days ago, she would have said she had finally learned how not to have either Jav
ier or Ryan in her life. She had found a level of equilibrium, at the very least. So what was she even thinking about, contemplating not just sex, but a potential relationship with two men? These two men. Pure insanity.

  The conclusion made her heart stutter, in the way only cold truth could. She pulled Javier’s note from her pocket and unfolded it. The scribble only told her where to meet, nothing else. There was no indication he wanted anything more than a repeat of this morning. Except he had met with Ryan. Not an idle encounter.

  Natalie glanced across the fire at Ryan talking to one of the other groomsmen, and her throat tightened. She couldn’t have everything she wanted. The thought of living with fears and worries, the fact that she was already second-guessing herself, said it all.

  She had to tell Javier no. Him and Ryan, both.

  When the party got raucous enough she could leave the fire pit unnoticed, Natalie slipped through the shadows behind the lodge, heading uphill to the cabins.

  The sound of a breaking branch made her squeak and turn.

  Ryan grabbed her by the waist. “C’mere, you. I want you to myself for a minute. I have a feeling it’s going to be a lot of watching and not much else for me tonight.” He kissed her with all the pent-up tension of the last few hours, or weeks, perhaps, but when he pulled back, Natalie clung to his shoulders. “What? Nat, what’s wrong?”

  “I can’t, Ryan.” Natalie heard the quaver in her own voice.

  He took hold of both of her hands. “Can’t what, babe?”

  “I can’t do this. I can’t have you both, and I can’t choose, and—”

  “Whoa, stop. Natalie.” Ryan ducked his head to look closely at her. “Take a deep breath.”

  He waited for her to do so, and when she let it out, she nodded, feeling a touch calmer. At least her head had stopped whirring.

  “Nothing is set in stone,” he said, his thumbs tracing over the backs of both hands, soothing her. “Nothing. This meeting is just—”

  “Meeting? I didn’t know it was a meeting.”

  Ryan shook his head in annoyance. “He didn’t tell you what was up? Imperious bastard.”